


It's Time To Love Yourself

by Nikolaus_Chaser



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blow Jobs, Body Image, Chubby Castiel, Comfort Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hand Jobs, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, They Use the L-Word for the First Time, mentions of anorexia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:16:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikolaus_Chaser/pseuds/Nikolaus_Chaser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There is a disgusted frown plastered on Castiel’s face as he stares into his bedroom mirror, his typically bright blue eyes darkened as he squints at his reflection.  God, does he hate his reflection with a burning passion.  He hates his body.  His soft chest; his too-perky nipples; the little pouch of fat on his stomach that jiggles and bounces back whenever he touches it.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Time To Love Yourself

There is a disgusted frown plastered on Castiel’s face as he stares into his bedroom mirror, his typically bright blue eyes darkened as he squints at his reflection. God, does he hate his reflection with a burning passion. He hates his body. His soft chest; his too-perky nipples; the little pouch of fat on his stomach that jiggles and bounces back whenever he touches it.

He knows that he is being stupid- irrational, even- but he just can’t help himself. Not when he looks in the mirror every day and all he sees is a worthless, ugly, _chubby_ man. He isn’t even sure how he could have ever let himself turn into _this_ when he used to be so skinny; used to work out every day and eat healthy and care about his figure. But lately he’s just fallen out of that. He’s let himself go, and all he can think is that it is shameful.

He knows the reason why he’s let himself go so soft, too. It’s because of Dean. He and Dean have been dating for nearly seven months, and while at the start of their relationship Cas’s body had been in excellent shape, the more comfortable he got with Dean the more he seemed to be letting himself go. He’s started spending less time working out and more time making out; eating less vegetables at home and eating more hamburgers over impromptu lunch dates. So quite honestly, it is no surprise that he has gained a few extra pounds, but it still doesn’t make him any less shameful for it. Any less despicable.

With a heavy sigh he turns away from the mirror and goes to get dressed, shrugging on the loosest sweat shirt he can find along with a pair of jeans. He scowls at the way that they fit so snugly to his thighs, but tries to ignore it, pushing his negative thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now all that he wants to do is curl up on the couch with his laptop and watch Housewives, maybe drink a glass of wine or two. Anything to get him out of this horrible headspace.

It’s unexpected when Castiel’s hears a knock on the door halfway through his fourth episode of Housewives of Beverly Hills. He huffs as he pauses the episode, pushing the laptop off of his lap and standing up. He pads over the door and looks through the peephole, half expecting to see a Jehovah’s Witness standing there. What he’s not expecting to see is Dean, leaning against the doorframe and tapping away at his phone, a yellow plastic bag held tight in his left hand. A small smile tugs at the corners of Cas’s lips and he unlocks the deadbolt, swinging the door open and smiling up at his boyfriend.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, stepping to the side and allowing Dean to step over the threshold and into his apartment. Dean grins back at him, green eyes twinkling as he leans forward to peck Cas’s lips chastely.

“Well I’m happy to see you too, Cas,” he chuckles, making his way right into the living room, where he plops down on the couch and begins to empty the contents of the yellow plastic bag onto the coffee table. It’s Chinese food. Cas’s stomach growls at the sight of the food but he ignores it; he doesn’t want Dean to see what a pig he is, to be so fat and still want to eat more. Instead he walks over to the couch casually, sitting down next to Dean and reaching out and touch his leg.

“That’s not what I meant. I just wasn’t expecting you… Wasn’t Sam supposed to come visit you this weekend?”

Dean shook his head, popping open one of the many food containers he’s laid out on the table. The aroma of fried food and Chinese spices fills the air around them, making Cas’s stomach rumble again. He ignores it. “His flight got delayed. Figured I might as well drop by and spend some time with you,” he grins at Cas, holding the container of chicken and broccoli out towards him. It’s his favorite. “You want some?”

“I already ate,” Cas answers. It’s a blatant lie; he hasn’t eaten since breakfast that morning, and that was nearly nine hours ago now. Dean raises an eyebrow to the other man.

“Seriously baby? Does that mean you’re gonna make me eat all of this on my own?” He asks, gesturing to the huge spread of food all over the coffee table. Cas shrugs.

“Sorry. You did come sort of unannounced,” he said dryly. Dean’s eyes widen and he stops eating, using his sleeve to wipe off the excess soy sauce on his lip.

“Well, I didn’t realize I would be so unwelcome. Were you in the middle of something?” He asks, looking around the room and then smirking over at Cas. “Got another man here or somethin’?”

Castiel rolls his eyes. As if anybody would ever want to sleep with his fat self. He doesn’t even understand why Dean still stays around, for that matter. “You know me,” he says sarcastically, lips twitching up when he sees Dean smile at him. “I’m just a sex fiend. No one man can satisfy me.”

Dean laughs loudly, placing his food container on the coffee table and wiping his hands off on his jeans, then reaching out to cup Cas’s face as he kisses him. Cas hums into his mouth, reaching back to pull at Dean’s shirt with his long fingers. Dean sighs against his lips and moves, pushing Cas back against the other side of the couch and draping himself over his body. Their lips smack against one another with a wet sound and Dean huffs, pushing his tongue past Cas’s lips and into his open mouth, exploring, as his hips work in little circles against Cas’s. It’s hard for Cas to contain his moan and he reaches around, letting his fingers dig into Dean’s shoulder blades.

“Oh, _ah_ , I want you. Want you, Cas,” Dean gasps, rutting up against him. Cas sighs and strokes his hands up and down Dean’s back, leaning into his touches and trying to believe that what he is saying is true. But how can he? How can he really believe that Dean- Grand Sex Adonis Dean Winchester Himself- is attracted to him? Wants _him_?

“So sexy, baby. So fucking hot,” Dean groans as he begins to trail kisses down the side of Cas’s neck. And while the sensation is pleasant and he wants to enjoy it, he just can’t. He just can’t enjoy any of this when he knows that every word coming out of Dean’s mouth is a lie. He shifts, suddenly uncomfortable where he’s pinned underneath his boyfriend’s body, and places his palm flat against Dean’s chest as he pushes him away.

“Do you think I’m-I’m gullible, or something?” He asks, surprised that his voice only cracks on the last word. He swallows thickly as Dean’s brows furrow in confusion and he sits up on his knees, supporting himself by leaning against the back of the couch.

“What? Cas, baby, you’re shaking,” he breathes, reaching out to touch Cas’s wrist. He yanks his arm away from Dean, sniffling loudly. Dean frowns and pulls away, a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“You know what’s going on! You-you keep saying these things, these… these _lies_ , and I can’t stand it! You’re not serious, you’re just mocking me, you can’t-”

“Woah, woah, Cas. Slow the fuck down,” he says quickly, putting his hands up in the air to try and get Cas’s attention. “What the hell are you talking about? What lies?”

“You keep saying that I’m sexy and… and attractive and that you _want me_ , and I-I… It’s a lie,” he croaks, breath rattling in his chest as he stops yelling and begins to cry. “I’m so gross, it has to be a lie. I’m too fat, too ugly. Someone like you could never- never-”

“Hey, hey, stop that,” Dean says quickly, reaching out and grasping Cas by the shoulders. “Where is this coming from? Why would you think that you’re fat or… or ugly?” He whispers. Cas shakes his head in response, lips trembling. Dean lets out a heavy sigh and reaches out, stroking his thumb over Cas’s cheek to wipe away his tears.

“Baby, look at me, okay? I would never lie to you, you know I’m not nice enough. But when I say that you’re sexy, or hot, or that I find you attractive… I mean it, every last word. And you should believe it, too. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“But I’m- I’m not… I’m so fat, Dean. All I do is eat, I’m g-gargantuan. Disgusting.”

“Stop that,” Dean snaps, giving Cas’s shoulders a squeeze. “Stop talking about yourself like that. How long has this been going on? Have you even eaten today?” He asked. Cas sniffles again and shakes his head, shame coursing through his veins when he sees the disappointed look on Dean’s face. And then Dean is pulling away from him, and for a split second he thinks that the man is going to get up and leave. But then he just leans over and picks up the chicken and broccoli again, stabbing some of it onto a fork and holding it out to Cas.

“Eat,” he says, and his tone leaves no room for argument.

Cas eats until he physically can’t eat anymore, and only then does Dean let him rest, setting the food down and cradling Cas close to him. He’s long since stopped crying, but his cheeks are still wet with tears, and he can feel how heavy his eyelids are when he blinks. He relaxes against Dean as the man strokes his hair back, content with the silence that has settled between the two of them. Dean, apparently, is not.

“My cousin Jo was anorexic,” he says, a dark frown clouding his features. Cas tilts his head back and blinks up, silently encouraging Dean to continue his story. He cleared his throat and continued, “She wasn’t fat or anything. Puny little thing, actually… Back when she was like fifteen and I was twenty I used to bench press her, that’s how light she was. But, uh… She just got it in her head that she was somehow fat. She stopped eating, and when my Aunt’d force her to eat, she’d throw up,” he let out a heavy sigh. “She must have hid it for a long time, ‘cause by the time we found out, she was in the hospital for severe dehydration and kidney failure.” Tears burn at his eyes and he quickly bats them away, sniffling loudly. “We couldn’t get a transplant. We didn’t have the money and they waiting list was a mile long,” he snorted, shaking his head. “She was only seventeen. She was so beautiful, too, and she just…”

Cas’s lips wobble and he reaches up, stroking Dean’s cheek to try and bring him comfort. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he whispers. Dean shakes his head and frowns down at Cas.

“I didn’t tell you because I want you to feel sorry. I told you because… I just don’t want you to go down that same path. I don’t want to have to watch an eating disorder take the life of somebody that I… that I love,” he says, swallowing thickly. Cas stares at him for a few moments in shock of his confession. In all seven months of their relationship they hadn’t used the L Word, but now Dean has. After a few moments of silence his jaw clenches and he nods, burying his face in Dean’s chest.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try harder,” he whispers. Dean lets out a shaky sigh and cards his fingers through his messy black hair. Cas sighs. “And I love you too.”

Dean smiles. “Good. And we’ll work together on this, okay? We’ll get you some professional help.”

Cas lets out a heavy sigh and nods, tilting his head back and blinking up at Dean slowly. “Can we just make out for now?” He asked. Dean laughs and grins, leaning down to press a sloppy wet kiss to his lips as he nods.

“Sure thing, _sexy_ ,” he growls. Cas whines.

“Don’t push it,” he huffs, and this time he is the one to push Dean back, pinning him to the couch and grinding down against his hips as he ravages his mouth. His tongue is thick and persistent at Dean’s lips, and he lets him in easily, moaning and tangling his fingers into Cas’s thick hair as he dominates the kiss. Dean’s hands slip beneath the fabric of Cas’s shirt and smooth over the planes of Cas’s back.

“Hmm,” Dean sighs and tilts his pelvis up, hard cock obvious through the dent in his pants. Cas sighs against his lips and smiles, reaching down to brush his fingers over the denim. Dean groans and arches up into the touch, fingernails digging into Cas’s soft back.

“Need you,” Dean rasps, turning his head to the side so that Cas can kiss and suck at his neck. Cas hums placidly in response and Dean groans, pushing his hips up once again and scratching at Cas’s back. Cas gasps loudly and pulls away, grinning down at Dean after a moment and kissing him roughly.

“I need you too,” he breathes, and though Dean had meant his words in a sexual sense, Dean can tell that Cas means it in a different way. 

It takes too long for the both of them to kick off their pants. Cas gets a little frustrated when his seem to stick to his chubby thighs, and Dean can tell that he’s getting upset, but he kisses Cas softly and carefully helps him remove the pants, until they’re both lying against each other in their underwear. It only takes another moment for Dean to shuck his off as well, and then he’s lying there, entirely bare from the waist down with his hard cock resting against his thigh. Cas licks his lips hungrily and shuffles back, ignoring the way that Dean whines for him not to go and instead dives in, taking Dean’s cock into his mouth, suckling at the head and flicking his tongue over his slit.

“Oh, oh baby, _oh shit_ that fucking _tongue_!” He cries out and bucks his hips, forcing his cock deeper into Cas’s mouth. Dean curses loudly- so loudly that he’s sure the neighbors have heard- but he really can’t bring himself to care. Because Cas is sucking him off and that tight, wet heat feels like fucking heaven, and if he isn’t careful he’s going to cum in his mouth right this second.

“Holy shit, Cas!” Dean groans and thrusts his hips forward, fucking into Cas’s mouth twice before the man pushes him back into the couch cushions, regaining control. His bright blue eyes flick up to watch Dean’s face as he slowly takes Dean almost down to the hilt. And that’s it- that’s the _end of it_ \- and with a cry Dean cums down Cas’s throat.

Dean is still moaning and floating around in his orgasm-headspace when Cas crawls back on top of him, kissing the corner of his mouth and reaching down to free his own cock from his underwear. He starts to rut up against Dean’s hip, little hitches in his breath as he thrusts his hips against Dean’s hot skin. Dean watches with the utmost enthusiasm, one hand curling around Cas’s hip as the other ventures between them to take hold of Cas’s thick, leaking cock.

“Come on baby,” he breathes, nipping at his neck. “Fuck my fist. Show me how pretty you are,” he breathes. Cas shines and squeezes his eyes shut, his hips stuttering a bit. Dean’s fist tightens around his cock and Cas speeds up, thrusting faster and faster until he’s cumming in thick globs all over Dean’s bare hips and shirt. He collapses on top of the other man with a moan, heavy breathing in Dean’s ear as he wraps his arms around the other man.

“I love you,” he breathes, and he can feel Cas smile against his throat.

“I’m finding that I like hearing you say that,” he mumbles, then turns his head to the side and grins up at his boyfriend. “And I love you too.”


End file.
